1. It always begins with him either not even realizing he's masturbating or realizing he has an hour to kill. Every time. Either we're just scrolling through Twitter and realize we've unconsciously had our hand in our pants for the last 15 minutes, or we have nothing to do so we're like, "Guess we might as well crank one out." Idle hands and all that.
2. Channel surfing for porn just like he would if he was watching TV. There is too much porn on the Internet that it makes masturbation paralyzing. What if the next video is even better? What does the title "Sex gymnast gets gold fucking medal" even mean? Should we click on that video that has a thumbnail of what looks like an alien? It's like we're Lewis and Clark exploring the Louisiana Purchase. That would be an apt comparison if Lewis and Clark had been jerking off the whole time and the only thing they discovered were a bunch of breasts. Eventually, we settle on a handful that we queue up before going to town, and finally pick one we're going to definitely finish with. It's our Pacific Ocean, you know, if, when Lewis and Clark got to the Pacific Ocean they had jerked off in it. Whose to say they didn't though, you know?
3. Freezing whenever he hears any noise because of the deep fear that he'll be caught masturbating. Anytime guys hear a creak or a far-off sound, they'll freeze, hunched over their keyboards the way primal man would hunch over his fire staring out into the dark when he heard the howl of a wolf. Even if we live alone, our fear is that someone, anyone, would come in and discover us masturbating. A burglar, our mom checking in on us randomly, the mailman, or Jesus gathering everyone for the rapture could come in and see our secret shame: milf-orders-big-sausage-pizza.mp4. In any of those cases, we'd rather be attacked by the aforementioned wolf.
4. Deciding whether he's going to navigate his computer with his dominant hand or masturbate with his dominant hand. This isn't a problem for guys who just use their imagination (not everyone watches porn, obviously). But for everyone else, there are pros and cons depending on which task you assign your stronger hand. Frankly, using your non-dominant hand to click around is pretty risky, as if you screw up a click, you could wind up in some weird place that you can never unsee.
5. Checking multiple times to make sure his computer is muted, at an acceptable volume, or his headphones are super plugged in. Unless we live in a log cabin in the middle of the woods, it's always better to be safe than to run the risk of a roommate or neighbor hearing what we masturbate to. Also, anyone who moves to a log cabin in the woods does it specifically to jerk off to loud porn. Anyone.
6. Debating whether it's worth running to grab lotion or not. Not every guy uses lotion, and some guys swear by it. Some guys use lotion if it's around, but once you start the Boner Train, there's no stopping it until it gets into the station (the station is Orgasm City, population: that guy).
7. Browsing his porn stash like a perverse Scrooge McDuck diving into his coins. Yes, you can stream porn, but some dudes still download it. Some dudes bookmark it. Some guys don't care. Hakuna matata.
8. Reaching for the tissues and realizing there aren't any. We're faced with three options here: our hand, a piece of clothing, or just ejaculating into the wind and hoping for the best. Most guys go with their hands, I think, but honestly, I don't think a scientific study has ever been done.
9. Wondering what just happened. It's kind of like waking up from a dream in the sense that you can't quite remember exactly what you were watching or why it was arousing in the first place.
10. The bathroom shuffle. There's that moment where we have to do a weird dance to get into the bathroom without getting our ejaculate on anything.
11. Copy/pasting several YouTube links so that porn star's name isn't his next paste. Although it is awkward to watch cute animal videos after masturbating. They don't deserve that.
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Cosmo FrankI am a human male that enjoys consuming meals consisting of all five food groups and fulfilling every level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
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